給S

這一刻突然覺得好熟悉　像昨天今天同時在放映

我這句語氣原來好想你　不就是我們愛過的證據

差一點騙了自己騙了你　愛與被愛不一定成正比

我知道被疼是一種運氣　但我無法完全交出自己

努力為你改變　卻變不了　預留的伏線

以為在你身邊　那也算永遠

彷彿還是昨天　可是昨天　已非常遙遠

但閉上我雙眼　我還看得見

可惜不是你　陪我到最後　曾一起走卻走失那路口

感謝那是你　牽過我的手　還能感受那溫柔

那一段我們曾心貼著心　我想我更有權力關心你

可能你已走進別人風景　多希望也有星光的投影

感謝那是你　牽過我的手　還能溫暖我胸口

今天妳跟我提到這首歌，這首所有曾經失去過所珍惜戀情的人的國歌。我記得妳曾經在只有我們兩個的錢櫃包廂裡陪我痛哭的唱完這首歌，然後再點首五佰的你是我的花朵，逼我站起來跟著妳一起狂跳（笑）。我也曾經變態到，把這首歌設成前男友的來電鈴聲，真是個被虐狂啊。

好幾個月沒聽這首歌了，今天因為妳的提起，我又去把它找來聽；才發現，原來，我曾經覺得不可能結痂的心，似乎已經漸漸的平復了。我的心不再為了那句「曾一起走卻走失那路口」而絞痛翻滾，反而因著那句「感謝那是你，牽過我的手」而暖了心頭。然後我發現，我最近似乎不哭泣了，甚至比分手前還要不常見到淚水。於是我鼓起勇氣去看前男友的FB Profile，果然讓我看到了令我會心一笑的照片。一張他對著鏡頭擺出招牌笑容，很有他個人風格的搞笑照片。雖然照片下有現任女友的留言，但我很開心，看到了熟悉的笑容，也看到了他們之間溫暖的互動。或許，在一年多後的今天，我終於能夠真心誠意的為他的幸福而快樂。曾經我認為，我被丟下了，只能望著他遠遠的走了，也認為我的幸福就這樣的錯過了，我的心破碎到不可能修補，也不可能再愛其它的人了。可是生命的復原力是很驚人的，或者說，上帝的醫治是超乎我所想的。

或許一兩年後，我也會像妳一樣，又因為一首歌，一句話，或是一陣氣味而想起了他；但是我想，到那時候，我會仔細的數算他對我的好，我對他的好，還有我們分開後，我生命中所有的喜怒哀樂。我們的分手，造就了現在的我；而我，很喜歡現在的我。所以，除了感激，我還能用什麼更好的方法來紀念這段感情呢？

可惜

晚上跟一個朋友吃飯，談到了我的工作。

朋友說，為我感到可惜，辛辛苦苦取得會計學位，也順利的拿到了會計師執照，在一般人眼中會是前程似錦（我用了成語耶！！），但我卻轉身從事了與會計毫無相關的職業。

其實我完全了解他在說什麼。的確，這樣看來，過去的四年，甚至可以說從來美國後的八年，似乎過得有點浪費；無論用金錢，時間，或是用功的角度來衡量投資報酬率，這似乎都不是個好的投資。這是我曾經掙扎過的點，也極有可能是我會不斷把它拿出來反覆咀嚼思考回鍋掙扎的點。

四個月前，當我為著要不要辭掉會計師工作而煩惱的時候，上帝給了我馬可福音一章16-20節：

As Jesus walked beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw Simon and his brother Andrew casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. "Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men" At once they left their nets and followed him.

When he had gone a little farther, he saw James son of Zebedee and his brother John in a boat, preparing their nets. Without delay he called them, and they left their father Zebedee in the boat with the hired men and followed him.

四個月後的今天，當朋友問起我的時候，我再一次的掙扎，努力著回想當時的感動。而這一次，上帝透過一個好朋友網誌上的文字，堅定我的心。這是一篇有關魔術方塊的文章：

曾經

我寫過一篇網誌叫做"魔術方塊v.s.人生"

那時身邊的人突然玩起了這個風靡了快30年的東西

我似乎一直都沒有完成過
最好的情況也只是完成兩層
最後一層永遠也排不出來
有一個和我一樣的人最後忍不住去網路上找了解答
那時他跟我說:

因為你已經排好了兩層卻想在不弄亂那兩層的情況下排最後一層
"自由度"太小了

因為這句話
我有感而發的寫下了這段話:

"人生就像魔術方塊一樣
當你已經努力到一定的程度後
你的"自由度"就開始受到拘束
因為你不捨得放棄你之前的成就
但未來卻怎麼都還是一團亂
.
.
.
我完成了兩層的魔術方塊
好像快要成功了
對未來卻還是很迷惘
卻又沒辦法捨棄一切去突破自己
總是在想要保有過去的情況下小心翼翼地嘗試
一旦發現快要打亂了之前的兩層就急著恢復原狀
結果一直在原點打轉
.
.
.
看了解法的人之所以會解出來
是因為他知道照著解答就對了
他信任解答會帶領他完成
不用擔心打亂任何之前所完成的而受到拘束"

我很佩服可以從生活中的小事物體會出人生道理的人；朋友的文章給了我靈感，也讓我回到了當初換工作這個念頭萌芽時的心情。就某層面來說，當時的我，卡在那完美整齊的兩層，以及雜亂不堪的第三層當中，進退不得。我想要將未來建造在曾經以為對的好的，辛苦打造的地基上，卻完全沒有繼續走下去的頭緒，也沒有發現，或許一開始地基的位置就大有問題。將排好的兩層打亂，看起來也許是走回頭路，卻是完成目標的必經之途。所以我信任給我解法的主耶穌基督－因為相信祂永不犯錯，所以就算我無法理解，為何要拼好美美的兩層之後，再把它打散重組，我仍然選擇照著祂的步驟走。至於其他的事，我不想受到拘束。

What to Do With Loneliness

As I mentioned on Plurk, I read this chapter in a book by Elisabeth Elloit talking about dealing with loneliness. It's chapter 17 in the book called Passion & Purity - Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control. What To Do With Loneliness is the title of that chapter, where I found the following gem:

• Be still and know that He is God. When you are lonely, too much stillness is exactly the thing that seems to be laying waste your soul. Use that stillness to quiet your heart before God. Get to know Him. If He is God, He is still in charge.
• Remember that you are not alone. "The Lord, He it is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee neither forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage." (Deut. 31:8) Jesus promised His disciples, "Lo, I am with you always." (Matt. 28:20) Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.
• Give thanks. In times of my greatest loneliness I have been lifted up by the promise of II Corinthians 4:17, 18, "For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen." This is something to thank God for. This loneliness itself, which seems a weight, will be far outweighed by glory.
• Refuse self-pity. Refuse it absolutely. It is a deadly thing with power to destroy you. Turn your thoughts to Christ who has already carried your griefs and sorrows.
• Accept your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last.
• Offer up your loneliness to God, as the little boy offered to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes. God can transform it for the good of others.
• Do something for somebody else. No matter who or where you are, there is something you can do, somebody who needs you. Pray that you may be an instrument of God's peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy.

She then went on talking about her personal story with her husband Jim Elliot, in which she quoted Jim's letter to her, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." Wow. Hello? Jim, are you speaking to me? I totally know what he meant when you long for something so badly, that you feel like there's nothing to life other than endless longings and this emptiness of not getting the thing you want. But is that something that you long for really all life's about? Any fool can answer no to that question! Well, any fool but me. At that time, at least. I think I knew deep down that I was in this self-pitying black hole and that I should focus more on what I had instead of focusing on what I didn't, but the way Jim Elliot put it totally pointed out the ridiculous contradiction I put myself in. In the core of my longings for love and companion lies a heart aching to be alive and joyful and to have an abundant life. However, by indulging myself in uncontrolled and mis-targeted longings, I kept waiting to "start living again" when my longings are fulfilled. Well, if I was waiting and not starting to live, it's almost as if I was dying. That didn't do me any good in reaching my ultimate goal - be alive, joyful and abundant, did it? There! Simple logic can prove what a fool I was, but emotions aren't exactly always logical, are they? If only we could rationalize with our emotions! Praise God, because He does have the power (doh!) to redirect the desires of our hearts to be in sync with His, if we so choose to seek Him and yield to Him.

So, do I still feel lonely? All the time. Will I think of how pity I am again? Probably, but I am going to remember that He is God, and what a fool I would be to stay in this contradiction. Well, at least the hand-written notes of the above citation on the wall next to my desk will remind me to.

Lady Jane

I came across this artist, MIKA, when I was in Taiwan in the summer of 2007. "Life in a Cartoon World" is the title of the album - his first album, actually - and for some reason, I bought the album just by looking at the album cover. I had never heard of MIKA, let alone any of his songs. It turned out to be my luckiest buy with music albums.

Two years have passed since then, and I'm still loving that first album when I found that he's had some new singles out. Better yet, one of the singles is called Lady Jane! Well, I had to check it out, hadn't I? And here it is, no music video, just MIKA sitting in front of a microphone, singing story about a river saint called Lady Jane. It's a sad story, really, but a sad one with emotions and love. Somehow, and I can't explain why, I can relate to Lady Jane. I guess it's that feeling that it's so hard to find that precious someone in this whole wild world. And you're so afraid that once you missed him, you would miss out on love all together.

Anyways, that inspired me to name my blog after this song. Not that this blog is going to have anything to do with this song; it's just got my name in the title, that's all. :)

And here comes the lyrics!

Lady Jane the river saint

Special yes but lucky ain't

Lady Jane said she walked on water but she never had a man to show

Then one day she found a fella she was eager just to let him know

Lady Jane she walked on water

Followed by her brand new lover who tumbled along, drownin' down below

Lady Jane did not abort

For legends are never made that short

Now be sure when you listen to this

Here's another reason why you shouldn't eat fish

Convinced he'd become a creature of the sea

She cut off her feet and jumped into the deep

And never stopped looking for her lover below

Lady Jane the river fish

Became the world's most wanted dish

And though no man would dare to catch

Something whose beauty we could never match

But when some member from a far away state

Said "I order you to get that fish's head on my plate!"

They killed little Lady Jane

The emperor of a distant land

The only man who didn't understand

That though you think you've got your prize

There's another fish that has escaped your eyes

Lady Jane, her lover's there

Swimming through the ocean with a desperate stare

Looking for Lady Jane

Looking for Lady Jane