I have issues. Yes, we all do, but right now, I really do have issues.
There's a mixture of things I'm feeling right now. Guilt, regret, worries, disappointment, bitterness, and anger. And maybe other things, but I can't put my fingers on them.
First I feel guilty. Guilty for how I have treated my mother in the last week. For some reason I got irritated very easily when my mother was trying to carry a conversation with me. I could hear myself as I spoke, and I thought, "why in the world are you talking like this to your mother, Jane?" yet I couldn't stop myself. I regret having treated my mother with such bad attitudes, and I worry that I have hurt her and disappointed her. In fact, I disappoint myself. I am supposed to be the daughter who gets her, who understands her pain and sufferings, and who can be her ally, the only other sort-of-functional person in such a dysfunctional family. But I let her down, and let myself down. "There is no friend like a daughter, and no daughter quite like you" is on a magnet that my mom asked a friend to bring to me earlier this month. And I guess she's wrong on that. As guilt, regret, worries, and disappointment overwhelm me and I don't want to take them anymore, I become bitter. Why am I the one who has to suffer these guilt and regret? If my dad would just do his job and be a good husband to love and support my mom, she wouldn't be a "victim" whom I should empathize with and be kind toward; my disrespect toward her, if there's any under this hypothetical situation, would just be a normal dispute between a child and a mother, instead of me rubbing salt into her wound. Whenever I disagree with my mother, how I wish my father would say to me "Jane, listen to your mother" instead of saying to my mother "see, even your daughter thinks that you are ridiculous." Why do I need to feel guilty when most of her pains are caused by other people... my brother, my sister, and mostly my father and his family? It's not fair and I'm angry about it. I am angry that my mom is not simply my mom; she is also my dad's enemy in his mind. I am angry that my dad is not simply my dad; he is also the one who inflicts pain on my mom. I am angry that nobody else seems to be giving her a helping hand so I feel like I'm the one who should do it. I am angry that my mom is weaker than I want her to be. Perhaps anger is the answer to my question. Maybe that's why I couldn't help myself but having so many hot buttons when speaking with my mom. But how can I get angry with my mom when she's already doing the best she can and still not given any grace and mercy? Now I feel guilty again....
.... and I'm going in circle...
There's a mixture of things I'm feeling right now. Guilt, regret, worries, disappointment, bitterness, and anger. And maybe other things, but I can't put my fingers on them.
First I feel guilty. Guilty for how I have treated my mother in the last week. For some reason I got irritated very easily when my mother was trying to carry a conversation with me. I could hear myself as I spoke, and I thought, "why in the world are you talking like this to your mother, Jane?" yet I couldn't stop myself. I regret having treated my mother with such bad attitudes, and I worry that I have hurt her and disappointed her. In fact, I disappoint myself. I am supposed to be the daughter who gets her, who understands her pain and sufferings, and who can be her ally, the only other sort-of-functional person in such a dysfunctional family. But I let her down, and let myself down. "There is no friend like a daughter, and no daughter quite like you" is on a magnet that my mom asked a friend to bring to me earlier this month. And I guess she's wrong on that. As guilt, regret, worries, and disappointment overwhelm me and I don't want to take them anymore, I become bitter. Why am I the one who has to suffer these guilt and regret? If my dad would just do his job and be a good husband to love and support my mom, she wouldn't be a "victim" whom I should empathize with and be kind toward; my disrespect toward her, if there's any under this hypothetical situation, would just be a normal dispute between a child and a mother, instead of me rubbing salt into her wound. Whenever I disagree with my mother, how I wish my father would say to me "Jane, listen to your mother" instead of saying to my mother "see, even your daughter thinks that you are ridiculous." Why do I need to feel guilty when most of her pains are caused by other people... my brother, my sister, and mostly my father and his family? It's not fair and I'm angry about it. I am angry that my mom is not simply my mom; she is also my dad's enemy in his mind. I am angry that my dad is not simply my dad; he is also the one who inflicts pain on my mom. I am angry that nobody else seems to be giving her a helping hand so I feel like I'm the one who should do it. I am angry that my mom is weaker than I want her to be. Perhaps anger is the answer to my question. Maybe that's why I couldn't help myself but having so many hot buttons when speaking with my mom. But how can I get angry with my mom when she's already doing the best she can and still not given any grace and mercy? Now I feel guilty again....
.... and I'm going in circle...
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