偶像劇 vs. 感冒

12月4日星期日晚上9點左右，我開始看「我可能不會愛你」，因為怡如在我的噗浪上寫了「初老症」這個詞，讓我很好奇。10點多的時候，老闆傳簡訊來說因為星期六為了辦Christmas party忙了一天，要我星期一放一天假。簡訊來的正是時候，所以我就索性任憑自己一直看到累了為止，沒想到等到我去睡的時候，已經是8集以後，時間是12月5日早上快6點。等到我醒來之後，就發現喉嚨有點癢癢的，似乎是感冒了。

唉，這樣的情形，似乎以前也曾經發生過，約莫是在兩年前。不知道是怎麼得了失心瘋，一看偶像劇就停不下來，還好現在只剩下一集。

話說每次看完偶像劇的感想，不外乎就是男主角好帥好可愛，女主角好正好美，但是我必須要說，我怎麼覺得在這部戲裡面，某些角度的林依晨，不知道是因為化妝還有服飾的關係還是她去整容，長的好像蔡依林喔，而還有另外幾個角度是像大S，一點都不像林依晨。這次的看完，沒有特別覺得想要變成像程又青那樣的女性，只有想要趕快再把頭髮留長，因為覺得她的頭髮好好看唷。

以上，報告完畢。

Embryo Adoption

Did you know that there are more than 400,000 lives that are frozen and waiting for their "verdict"?

I had lunch with a friend who's currently going through an embryo adoption today. That was the first time I've heard of such a thing, and it's just so mind-boggling to me!

How it all started was the IVF treatments, which help infertile couples to become pregnant by taking the wife's egg and the husband's sperms and "artificially" fertilize the egg for the couple, and then "plant" the fertilized egg back into the wife's womb.  Because the procedure to obtain the eggs is very painful and costly, the doctors usually take and fertilize more than one eggs at a time and freeze them (and they can last almost indefinitely if frozen properly), in case the couple decides to have another child later, or in case there is any failed attempt in fertilizing the eggs.  Makes sense. However, when the couple have had enough children to complete their family, there are often still fertilized eggs left in the freezer that are not going anywhere.  Even though they only consist of 10 to 100 cells at this point, they are still "lives" that were brought upon yet would remain frozen forever.  To put it in my friend's words, "they are in limbo!" 

By the way, I looked up the word "limbo" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, and interestingly, the word limbo came from the Roman Catholic theology, referring to "an abode of souls that are barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism." Now, I don't really agree with this theology.  However, I thought that this word describes these embryos perfectly.  They are already alive, yet they can't realize their ultimate purpose, which is life.

And this is where embryo adoption comes in.  Once the genetic parents of these eggs decide that they are done having babies, they have several options of what they can do with the eggs.  They can donate it for research (which means death), throw it (also death, obviously), or give them up for adoption. (Well, some say that there's another option which is to keep the eggs forever, but that just means that they will end up with one of the above three destinations after a very very long time of being frozen.) My friend is very excited about this adoption, because not only can they have a kid (they are certain that they can't have any kid of their own), she gets to be a mother almost from the very beginning to experience the pregnancy and really bond with the baby starting in her womb. She gets to be the baby's "biological" mother! What makes it more interesting is that they are both Americans (Caucasians) but they are adopting (and she is giving birth to) an Asian baby!

I am not really a hardcore pro-life advocate when it comes to the abortion issue, but somehow I really feel a sense of injustice for these frozen babies.  Maybe it's because that unlike most abortion cases, these babies were intentionally "conceived" with an intent to bring them to life, yet they were not chosen.  Maybe they just seem too much like the back-ups.  Or maybe it seems very unnatural for me that they are waiting.  When they are frozen, they are not dead, but not living either.  Whatever the reason is though, I just wanted to share this with you so that more and more people are aware of this option.  Regardless of where you put this issue on your moral scale, I really think that practically speaking, this is a win-win-win situation for all three parties involved - the genetic parents, the frozen baby, and the adopting parents.

Is God Pleased to Dwell in Me?

Journal 9

Colossians 1:19-20

For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.

I think as Christians we take it lightly the fact that we have the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, and the significance of what it means and requires.  We think of that as giving God permission/invitation to come in to our lives, which is true, but that's not all of it. If it wasn't for Jesus Christ, in whom "all the fullness of God (is) pleased to dwell," reconciling us to himself, then even if we invite and beg the Holy Spirit to come in, God still would not dwell in us because of our sins.  Because of Jesus Christ, even though I myself don't have anything to please God with, God is pleased to dwell in me because of my position in Jesus Christ.  What a wonderful gift!  I often time think of the gift of salvation as being the eternal life, but this is even more profound in my opinion, that God would find it pleasing to dwell in me.  Well, eternal life and God's indwelt are really two parts of one big gift, but I definitely have taken it for granted the fact that the Holy Spirit is able and pleased to dwell in me!

The Lord is At Hand

Journal 10

Philippians 4:4-6

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:5-6 is many people's favorite verses in the Bible, and I really like it as well, for the comfort and encouragement it brings.  However, my ESV Bible gave me another insight when I was reading it this time around, that the part in verse 4b "The Lord is at hand" is actually connected to verses 5-6.  When you look at vv 5-6 by themselves, it almost sounds like a conditional promise, like "do this, and then God will ___."  Often time my response is to put the pressure on myself to not be anxious, and if I do, I feel bad that I don't trust God.  However, it's liberating to notice verse 4b and be reminded that the reason we can not be anxious and give thanks to God is because the Lord is at hand.  There is a reason for us not to be anxious and we need to remember why we don't have to be anxious about anything.  Instead of telling myself not to be anxious, now I just need to remember and trust that God is really at hand and with me, and therefore, by praying to him and thanking him, I will naturally stop worrying as a result of my trust in him.  It's still going to be tough to live out these verses every day in every situation, but at least now the focal point is on trusting the Lord rather than on trusting myself to "stop it!"

He Who Calls You Is Faithful

Journal 6

1 Thessalonians 4:7-8

For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.  Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you."

As someone who doesn't deal well with authority and tends to challenge authority, these verses really convicted me to think who really is at a position of authority in my life.  It's easy for me to look at a person who's in a position of authority (my supervisor, my pastor, etc.) and think that he or she is just another person, and part of being an adult is to be an independent thinker and not let what they say be "the Bible."  As much as there's truth in that kind of thinking, there is also very deceiving, because when I respond that way, what I am really thinking (but not saying or even realizing) is often time something like, "who are you to tell me what to do?" or "are you saying that I am wrong???"  The attitude behind is often time prideful, rather than really trying to be a responsible, independent adult.  Interestingly, these verses from Paul don't even give us an option to deceive ourselves by saying that we are just trying to be responsible and independent by disregarding the Bible's teachings about the Christian life.  God didn't call me and die on the cross for me so I can indulge in all my sinful desires and lustful thinking without suffering the consequences of them.  God called me because He desires for me to live a life of holiness, for that's what's beautiful in God's eyes.  And if God desires something to happen, we should have faith that He will and is able to bring that to happen if we let Him.  It's not me who sanctify myself and try to make myself holy.  In 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (below), God is the subject, and we are the object of all of His actions.


1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

As I read these words, I feel like God is gently nudging me on my arm, saying, "Remember that I called you from impurity into holiness. My work is not in vain, and I will not let you go back there..."

Thank you, my dear Jesus.

You may not want to read this...

I have issues. Yes, we all do, but right now, I really do have issues.

There's a mixture of things I'm feeling right now.  Guilt, regret, worries, disappointment, bitterness, and anger.  And maybe other things, but I can't put my fingers on them.

First I feel guilty. Guilty for how I have treated my mother in the last week. For some reason I got irritated very easily when my mother was trying to carry a conversation with me.  I could hear myself as I spoke, and I thought, "why in the world are you talking like this to your mother, Jane?" yet I couldn't stop myself.  I regret having treated my mother with such bad attitudes, and I worry that I have hurt her and disappointed her.  In fact, I disappoint myself.  I am supposed to be the daughter who gets her, who understands her pain and sufferings, and who can be her ally, the only other sort-of-functional person in such a dysfunctional family.  But I let her down, and let myself down. "There is no friend like a daughter, and no daughter quite like you" is on a magnet that my mom asked a friend to bring to me earlier this month.  And I guess she's wrong on that. As guilt, regret, worries, and disappointment overwhelm me and I don't want to take them anymore, I become bitter.  Why am I the one who has to suffer these guilt and regret? If my dad would just do his job and be a good husband to love and support my mom, she wouldn't be a "victim" whom I should empathize with and be kind toward; my disrespect toward her, if there's any under this hypothetical situation, would just be a normal dispute between a child and a mother, instead of me rubbing salt into her wound. Whenever I disagree with my mother, how I wish my father would say to me "Jane, listen to your mother" instead of saying to my mother "see, even your daughter thinks that you are ridiculous."  Why do I need to feel guilty when most of her pains are caused by other people... my brother, my sister, and mostly my father and his family?  It's not fair and I'm angry about it. I am angry that my mom is not simply my mom; she is also my dad's enemy in his mind.  I am angry that my dad is not simply my dad; he is also the one who inflicts pain on my mom. I am angry that nobody else seems to be giving her a helping hand so I feel like I'm the one who should do it. I am angry that my mom is weaker than I want her to be. Perhaps anger is the answer to my question.  Maybe that's why I couldn't help myself but having so many hot buttons when speaking with my mom.  But how can I get angry with my mom when she's already doing the best she can and still not given any grace and mercy?  Now I feel guilty again....

.... and I'm going in circle...

God is good!

God is good! Don't you ever forget that! :)  

Creatures I Found on my Lawn Today

First,

Second,

Yes, they are both living. It's so fun to live in the woods!

Caught In the Middle

Today is one of those days when I feel weak and overwhelmed.  Today I also had one of those moments when I looked over a list of names and felt hopeless. It is that familiar struggle that I call "caught in the middle."

What triggered it was, first of all, seeing that many of the people who started with me at Plante & Moran have now made associates.  That got me wonder what life would be like from the world's point of view had I not quit my job two years ago.  At the very minimum, I wouldn't have so much explaining to do, like the one that I had to do earlier tonight (which is another event that triggered my struggle).  I bumped into this Taiwanese woman whom I've met three years ago when she was still a student.  We got talking about our jobs, and when I told her that I had quit being a CPA to work for a Christian organization on campus, she said "..but don't you get paid much less now than you did before?" Yes, I said.  "Then why did you do it?"  My initial reaction was to secretly judge her for saying such material thing, but at the same time, that did shake my already weakened heart.  Why did I do it? I gave her an answer, but the question lingered in my heart.  I know why I did it.  That is, I can tell you the exact events, thoughts, emotions, divine intervention and Bible passages that played into this decision.  But today, I didn't know it like I knew it back then.

It's a lack of trust really. It's losing sight of the reality of the other side of heaven. I am caught in the middle.  I have seen glimpses of the other side of heaven, and that's what compelled me and guided me to where I am today, yet there are moments when this side of heaven is so real that the other side seems like a dream.

Ironically, this is also when I am super thankful for the kind of God I serve.  He is faithful and trustworthy, and even at times when I doubt, He does not doubt. He knows. Fully. Always. And nothing I do or say or question can shake Him or catch Him by surprise.

He is not caught in the middle.  He is the complete reality.

Change

Six weeks, 200+ people, intense Bible courses and training, living in the dorm, eating at a cafeteria, and homework or games every night.  How much can one person change after going through all that? I am not sure.

In a sense, I hope that I was changed by all this.  It would be kind of pathetic to spend all that time and energy without seeing any growth.  However, part of me is scared to find that out when I get back to my usual habitat.  It's scary to be the only person who seems to have changed in your usual environment.  But then, I guess we are all constantly changing as surely as time goes by.

How do you know that you've changed?  And how do you know that it's a good change?

挑戰

我記得很久以前，一個朋友提起女歌手Pink在結婚後有一陣子因為跟老公甜甜蜜蜜過得很幸福，結果竟然寫不出什麼好歌，所以她決定有時候還是得找機會跟老公吵吵架。雖然我忘記朋友為何會提起這件事情，但是我記得我聽完之後的總結是：這個故事簡單的說就是，過得太開心會阻礙創意和藝術，所以不能讓自己過得太幸福。

為什麼會在這個時後提起這件事情呢？因為我發現我真的是很久沒有更新我的部落格了，而且我真的有在更新的時候，都是稍微沒有過得很開心的時候。雖然說我的潑文大多沒什麼創意也不是什麼藝術作品，但是大多數時候想法都寫不出來也太糟糕了。其實最主要原因是因為大家都各自有各自的生活，部落格也沒有什麼人在看，然後過去這一年又很忙，所以才沒什麼在更新（怎麼說呢？真是個愛現的人）。

所以我想給自己一個挑戰（潑文的主題終於出現了！）－就是多多更新。一來可以記錄自己的生活，也不會讓想法漸漸鈍去，麻木的過著一分一秒。所以，如果你偶爾想起我的部落格，來看的時後卻又沒有更新，請用翻桌和摔碗的方式提醒我不要再麻木了！

泡泡糖

＂一個住了九年的城市 因為你變得新鮮
而整條街 都是泡泡糖的香氣
天空也泛著絢爛的艷紅＂

這是去年５月２１日，我在網誌上隨手打下未送出的文字。

快ㄧ年了耶。我想今年的街上，也還是有著泡泡糖的香氣吧！

結

生命中有些事, 真的是很無可奈何

就好像打了死結之後, 又再纏繞了好幾圈, 猙獰的連最先的死結都看不見,

只剩下一團沒有韌性, 沒有功能的線, 委屈的掙扎著

而我, 是冷眼旁觀的那個人, 還是急著幫忙解結, 卻使它越纏越緊的愚鈍的手?