Caught In the Middle

Today is one of those days when I feel weak and overwhelmed.  Today I also had one of those moments when I looked over a list of names and felt hopeless. It is that familiar struggle that I call "caught in the middle."

What triggered it was, first of all, seeing that many of the people who started with me at Plante & Moran have now made associates.  That got me wonder what life would be like from the world's point of view had I not quit my job two years ago.  At the very minimum, I wouldn't have so much explaining to do, like the one that I had to do earlier tonight (which is another event that triggered my struggle).  I bumped into this Taiwanese woman whom I've met three years ago when she was still a student.  We got talking about our jobs, and when I told her that I had quit being a CPA to work for a Christian organization on campus, she said "..but don't you get paid much less now than you did before?" Yes, I said.  "Then why did you do it?"  My initial reaction was to secretly judge her for saying such material thing, but at the same time, that did shake my already weakened heart.  Why did I do it? I gave her an answer, but the question lingered in my heart.  I know why I did it.  That is, I can tell you the exact events, thoughts, emotions, divine intervention and Bible passages that played into this decision.  But today, I didn't know it like I knew it back then.

It's a lack of trust really. It's losing sight of the reality of the other side of heaven. I am caught in the middle.  I have seen glimpses of the other side of heaven, and that's what compelled me and guided me to where I am today, yet there are moments when this side of heaven is so real that the other side seems like a dream.

Ironically, this is also when I am super thankful for the kind of God I serve.  He is faithful and trustworthy, and even at times when I doubt, He does not doubt. He knows. Fully. Always. And nothing I do or say or question can shake Him or catch Him by surprise.

He is not caught in the middle.  He is the complete reality.

Change

Six weeks, 200+ people, intense Bible courses and training, living in the dorm, eating at a cafeteria, and homework or games every night.  How much can one person change after going through all that? I am not sure.

In a sense, I hope that I was changed by all this.  It would be kind of pathetic to spend all that time and energy without seeing any growth.  However, part of me is scared to find that out when I get back to my usual habitat.  It's scary to be the only person who seems to have changed in your usual environment.  But then, I guess we are all constantly changing as surely as time goes by.

How do you know that you've changed?  And how do you know that it's a good change?

First Love - 5/16/2010

O gracious God,
would you always be my first love?
When I wonder and I turn away,
would you draw me back to your side?

O tender Savior,
would you always be my first love?
When I am hurting and I am lost,
would you heal me with your gentle touch?

O marvelous Prince,
would you always be my first love?
When I rejoice and I am flying high,
would you always be the reason why?

O faithful Lord,
would you always be my first love?
When I am weary and I walk in wilderness,
would your strength daily carry me through?

Paper Heart (2009)

What is LOVE?  The big letter, all-cap L-O-V-E, LOVE.   I thought about the conversation that was had wth my aunt just the day before.  Aunt believes in soul mates.  She said that you can feel it when you meet your soul mate.  You just know.  You’ll feel that you know this person for a very long time even when you are meeting him just for the first time.  “If such a legend really exists, I can shamelessly assume the leading role in such a story [我當之無愧]” was her husband’s response in hearing this.  And I’ve never seen my aunt looking any shinier when he said that.  Yes, there were problems and hurt in their marriage, and I don’t know if I believe in my aunt’s soul mate theory yet, but I’ve always held strongly that love wouldn’t be so precious if there’s no challenge and struggle in loving.

The big opening question in my first paragraph is what this movie is all about.  Charlyne is a comedian and a musician who doesn’t know what love is or if love really exists.  Furthermore, she doesn’t think that she’s capable of love even if such a thing really exists.   Thus, she started a documentory movie project to find out all about love by interviewing different people on their definitions of love and how they know they’ve found theirs.  In her journey she met Michael, who took interest in Charlyne and started pursuing her.  Naturally, their relationship became the heart of this filming project.  And I’d be a spoiler if I tell you the rest of the storyline, so I’m gonna just leave it at that.

The point is, it gets me thinking, am I capable of love, especially in a romantic relationship?  I once thought that I loved someone with all of my heart and thought that he loved me back – in fact, I still believe that I did love him with all of my heart – but how could love end so ugly and hurtful to both of us?  How could I say I loved him yet still hurt him with the things I did?  And how could he say he loved me when there was no room for forgiveness?  How can I trust the next person I meet?  How can I trust myself again?  How can I trust love?  What about what goes on in my brain versus what goes on in my heart? What about feelings?  And why in the world am I pulling my hair out thinking about these questions when there’re people all around me who don’t bother themselves with such questions and are still happily loving each other?  Why is it so important anyway, this love?  I mean, I am not trying to be cynical or anything.  I love love.  It’s very important and God commends us to love, but why is it that love between two people in a romantic relationship seems so much more important in our value than any other kind of love?  Or is it just me?  

Well, let that be the end of my mumbling.  I’d love to hear some thoughts though.  It’s a very good movie, quirky, original, inspirig yet not heavy at all.  Go watch it.  I think you’ll fall in love with it.

-Jane

Grab Life by the Mane

Remember how I fell in love with the Chronicles of Narnia about a year ago and then got two copies of the book(s) as my 26th birthday gifts? I came across this quote just when I was about to finish reading all of the Narnia books and was so in love (still am!) with the characters in the books, especially Aslan.

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. 
Grab life by the mane. 
Set God-sized goals. 
Pursue God-ordained passions. 
Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. 
Keep asking questions. 
Keep making mistakes. 
Keep seeking God. 
Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. 
Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. 
Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. 
Expand your horizons. 
Accumulate experiences. 
Consider the lilies. 
Enjoy the journey. 
Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. 
Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. 
Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. 
Burn sinful bridges. 
Blaze a new trail. 
Criticize by creating. 
Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. 
Don't try to be who you're not. 
Be yourself. 
Laugh at yourself.
Quit holding out. 
Quit holding back. 
Quit running away. 
Chase the lion. 

- Mark Batterson

I'm not sure who Mark Batterson is, but I like the picture he's painting in that quote. Of course, I don't mean it to be some sort of self-help quote that tells us that we need to do this and do that, and then we'll be happy. It certainly can be motivating and encouraging, but what I like about the picture is that it's telling us we are free and safe to do anything with God in the center of our life and as a source of our power! Of course, I also like it because it talks about the lion and its mane. :)

What to Do With Loneliness

As I mentioned on Plurk, I read this chapter in a book by Elisabeth Elloit talking about dealing with loneliness. It's chapter 17 in the book called Passion & Purity - Learning to Bring Your Love Life Under Christ's Control. What To Do With Loneliness is the title of that chapter, where I found the following gem:

• Be still and know that He is God. When you are lonely, too much stillness is exactly the thing that seems to be laying waste your soul. Use that stillness to quiet your heart before God. Get to know Him. If He is God, He is still in charge.
• Remember that you are not alone. "The Lord, He it is that doth go with thee. He will not fail thee neither forsake thee. Be strong and of good courage." (Deut. 31:8) Jesus promised His disciples, "Lo, I am with you always." (Matt. 28:20) Never mind if you cannot feel His presence. He is there, never for one moment forgetting you.
• Give thanks. In times of my greatest loneliness I have been lifted up by the promise of II Corinthians 4:17, 18, "For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, because we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen." This is something to thank God for. This loneliness itself, which seems a weight, will be far outweighed by glory.
• Refuse self-pity. Refuse it absolutely. It is a deadly thing with power to destroy you. Turn your thoughts to Christ who has already carried your griefs and sorrows.
• Accept your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one stage, on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last.
• Offer up your loneliness to God, as the little boy offered to Jesus his five loaves and two fishes. God can transform it for the good of others.
• Do something for somebody else. No matter who or where you are, there is something you can do, somebody who needs you. Pray that you may be an instrument of God's peace, that where there is loneliness you may bring joy.

She then went on talking about her personal story with her husband Jim Elliot, in which she quoted Jim's letter to her, "Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." Wow. Hello? Jim, are you speaking to me? I totally know what he meant when you long for something so badly, that you feel like there's nothing to life other than endless longings and this emptiness of not getting the thing you want. But is that something that you long for really all life's about? Any fool can answer no to that question! Well, any fool but me. At that time, at least. I think I knew deep down that I was in this self-pitying black hole and that I should focus more on what I had instead of focusing on what I didn't, but the way Jim Elliot put it totally pointed out the ridiculous contradiction I put myself in. In the core of my longings for love and companion lies a heart aching to be alive and joyful and to have an abundant life. However, by indulging myself in uncontrolled and mis-targeted longings, I kept waiting to "start living again" when my longings are fulfilled. Well, if I was waiting and not starting to live, it's almost as if I was dying. That didn't do me any good in reaching my ultimate goal - be alive, joyful and abundant, did it? There! Simple logic can prove what a fool I was, but emotions aren't exactly always logical, are they? If only we could rationalize with our emotions! Praise God, because He does have the power (doh!) to redirect the desires of our hearts to be in sync with His, if we so choose to seek Him and yield to Him.

So, do I still feel lonely? All the time. Will I think of how pity I am again? Probably, but I am going to remember that He is God, and what a fool I would be to stay in this contradiction. Well, at least the hand-written notes of the above citation on the wall next to my desk will remind me to.

Lady Jane

I came across this artist, MIKA, when I was in Taiwan in the summer of 2007. "Life in a Cartoon World" is the title of the album - his first album, actually - and for some reason, I bought the album just by looking at the album cover. I had never heard of MIKA, let alone any of his songs. It turned out to be my luckiest buy with music albums.

Two years have passed since then, and I'm still loving that first album when I found that he's had some new singles out. Better yet, one of the singles is called Lady Jane! Well, I had to check it out, hadn't I? And here it is, no music video, just MIKA sitting in front of a microphone, singing story about a river saint called Lady Jane. It's a sad story, really, but a sad one with emotions and love. Somehow, and I can't explain why, I can relate to Lady Jane. I guess it's that feeling that it's so hard to find that precious someone in this whole wild world. And you're so afraid that once you missed him, you would miss out on love all together.

Anyways, that inspired me to name my blog after this song. Not that this blog is going to have anything to do with this song; it's just got my name in the title, that's all. :)

And here comes the lyrics!

Lady Jane the river saint

Special yes but lucky ain't

Lady Jane said she walked on water but she never had a man to show

Then one day she found a fella she was eager just to let him know

Lady Jane she walked on water

Followed by her brand new lover who tumbled along, drownin' down below

Lady Jane did not abort

For legends are never made that short

Now be sure when you listen to this

Here's another reason why you shouldn't eat fish

Convinced he'd become a creature of the sea

She cut off her feet and jumped into the deep

And never stopped looking for her lover below

Lady Jane the river fish

Became the world's most wanted dish

And though no man would dare to catch

Something whose beauty we could never match

But when some member from a far away state

Said "I order you to get that fish's head on my plate!"

They killed little Lady Jane

The emperor of a distant land

The only man who didn't understand

That though you think you've got your prize

There's another fish that has escaped your eyes

Lady Jane, her lover's there

Swimming through the ocean with a desperate stare

Looking for Lady Jane

Looking for Lady Jane