偶像劇 vs. 感冒

12月4日星期日晚上9點左右，我開始看「我可能不會愛你」，因為怡如在我的噗浪上寫了「初老症」這個詞，讓我很好奇。10點多的時候，老闆傳簡訊來說因為星期六為了辦Christmas party忙了一天，要我星期一放一天假。簡訊來的正是時候，所以我就索性任憑自己一直看到累了為止，沒想到等到我去睡的時候，已經是8集以後，時間是12月5日早上快6點。等到我醒來之後，就發現喉嚨有點癢癢的，似乎是感冒了。

唉，這樣的情形，似乎以前也曾經發生過，約莫是在兩年前。不知道是怎麼得了失心瘋，一看偶像劇就停不下來，還好現在只剩下一集。

話說每次看完偶像劇的感想，不外乎就是男主角好帥好可愛，女主角好正好美，但是我必須要說，我怎麼覺得在這部戲裡面，某些角度的林依晨，不知道是因為化妝還有服飾的關係還是她去整容，長的好像蔡依林喔，而還有另外幾個角度是像大S，一點都不像林依晨。這次的看完，沒有特別覺得想要變成像程又青那樣的女性，只有想要趕快再把頭髮留長，因為覺得她的頭髮好好看唷。

以上，報告完畢。

Embryo Adoption

Did you know that there are more than 400,000 lives that are frozen and waiting for their "verdict"?

I had lunch with a friend who's currently going through an embryo adoption today. That was the first time I've heard of such a thing, and it's just so mind-boggling to me!

How it all started was the IVF treatments, which help infertile couples to become pregnant by taking the wife's egg and the husband's sperms and "artificially" fertilize the egg for the couple, and then "plant" the fertilized egg back into the wife's womb.  Because the procedure to obtain the eggs is very painful and costly, the doctors usually take and fertilize more than one eggs at a time and freeze them (and they can last almost indefinitely if frozen properly), in case the couple decides to have another child later, or in case there is any failed attempt in fertilizing the eggs.  Makes sense. However, when the couple have had enough children to complete their family, there are often still fertilized eggs left in the freezer that are not going anywhere.  Even though they only consist of 10 to 100 cells at this point, they are still "lives" that were brought upon yet would remain frozen forever.  To put it in my friend's words, "they are in limbo!" 

By the way, I looked up the word "limbo" in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, and interestingly, the word limbo came from the Roman Catholic theology, referring to "an abode of souls that are barred from heaven because of not having received Christian baptism." Now, I don't really agree with this theology.  However, I thought that this word describes these embryos perfectly.  They are already alive, yet they can't realize their ultimate purpose, which is life.

And this is where embryo adoption comes in.  Once the genetic parents of these eggs decide that they are done having babies, they have several options of what they can do with the eggs.  They can donate it for research (which means death), throw it (also death, obviously), or give them up for adoption. (Well, some say that there's another option which is to keep the eggs forever, but that just means that they will end up with one of the above three destinations after a very very long time of being frozen.) My friend is very excited about this adoption, because not only can they have a kid (they are certain that they can't have any kid of their own), she gets to be a mother almost from the very beginning to experience the pregnancy and really bond with the baby starting in her womb. She gets to be the baby's "biological" mother! What makes it more interesting is that they are both Americans (Caucasians) but they are adopting (and she is giving birth to) an Asian baby!

I am not really a hardcore pro-life advocate when it comes to the abortion issue, but somehow I really feel a sense of injustice for these frozen babies.  Maybe it's because that unlike most abortion cases, these babies were intentionally "conceived" with an intent to bring them to life, yet they were not chosen.  Maybe they just seem too much like the back-ups.  Or maybe it seems very unnatural for me that they are waiting.  When they are frozen, they are not dead, but not living either.  Whatever the reason is though, I just wanted to share this with you so that more and more people are aware of this option.  Regardless of where you put this issue on your moral scale, I really think that practically speaking, this is a win-win-win situation for all three parties involved - the genetic parents, the frozen baby, and the adopting parents.

Is God Pleased to Dwell in Me?

Journal 9

Colossians 1:19-20

For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.

I think as Christians we take it lightly the fact that we have the Holy Spirit dwelling in us, and the significance of what it means and requires.  We think of that as giving God permission/invitation to come in to our lives, which is true, but that's not all of it. If it wasn't for Jesus Christ, in whom "all the fullness of God (is) pleased to dwell," reconciling us to himself, then even if we invite and beg the Holy Spirit to come in, God still would not dwell in us because of our sins.  Because of Jesus Christ, even though I myself don't have anything to please God with, God is pleased to dwell in me because of my position in Jesus Christ.  What a wonderful gift!  I often time think of the gift of salvation as being the eternal life, but this is even more profound in my opinion, that God would find it pleasing to dwell in me.  Well, eternal life and God's indwelt are really two parts of one big gift, but I definitely have taken it for granted the fact that the Holy Spirit is able and pleased to dwell in me!

The Lord is At Hand

Journal 10

Philippians 4:4-6

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:5-6 is many people's favorite verses in the Bible, and I really like it as well, for the comfort and encouragement it brings.  However, my ESV Bible gave me another insight when I was reading it this time around, that the part in verse 4b "The Lord is at hand" is actually connected to verses 5-6.  When you look at vv 5-6 by themselves, it almost sounds like a conditional promise, like "do this, and then God will ___."  Often time my response is to put the pressure on myself to not be anxious, and if I do, I feel bad that I don't trust God.  However, it's liberating to notice verse 4b and be reminded that the reason we can not be anxious and give thanks to God is because the Lord is at hand.  There is a reason for us not to be anxious and we need to remember why we don't have to be anxious about anything.  Instead of telling myself not to be anxious, now I just need to remember and trust that God is really at hand and with me, and therefore, by praying to him and thanking him, I will naturally stop worrying as a result of my trust in him.  It's still going to be tough to live out these verses every day in every situation, but at least now the focal point is on trusting the Lord rather than on trusting myself to "stop it!"

He Who Calls You Is Faithful

Journal 6

1 Thessalonians 4:7-8

For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.  Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you."

As someone who doesn't deal well with authority and tends to challenge authority, these verses really convicted me to think who really is at a position of authority in my life.  It's easy for me to look at a person who's in a position of authority (my supervisor, my pastor, etc.) and think that he or she is just another person, and part of being an adult is to be an independent thinker and not let what they say be "the Bible."  As much as there's truth in that kind of thinking, there is also very deceiving, because when I respond that way, what I am really thinking (but not saying or even realizing) is often time something like, "who are you to tell me what to do?" or "are you saying that I am wrong???"  The attitude behind is often time prideful, rather than really trying to be a responsible, independent adult.  Interestingly, these verses from Paul don't even give us an option to deceive ourselves by saying that we are just trying to be responsible and independent by disregarding the Bible's teachings about the Christian life.  God didn't call me and die on the cross for me so I can indulge in all my sinful desires and lustful thinking without suffering the consequences of them.  God called me because He desires for me to live a life of holiness, for that's what's beautiful in God's eyes.  And if God desires something to happen, we should have faith that He will and is able to bring that to happen if we let Him.  It's not me who sanctify myself and try to make myself holy.  In 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (below), God is the subject, and we are the object of all of His actions.


1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

As I read these words, I feel like God is gently nudging me on my arm, saying, "Remember that I called you from impurity into holiness. My work is not in vain, and I will not let you go back there..."

Thank you, my dear Jesus.

You may not want to read this...

I have issues. Yes, we all do, but right now, I really do have issues.

There's a mixture of things I'm feeling right now.  Guilt, regret, worries, disappointment, bitterness, and anger.  And maybe other things, but I can't put my fingers on them.

First I feel guilty. Guilty for how I have treated my mother in the last week. For some reason I got irritated very easily when my mother was trying to carry a conversation with me.  I could hear myself as I spoke, and I thought, "why in the world are you talking like this to your mother, Jane?" yet I couldn't stop myself.  I regret having treated my mother with such bad attitudes, and I worry that I have hurt her and disappointed her.  In fact, I disappoint myself.  I am supposed to be the daughter who gets her, who understands her pain and sufferings, and who can be her ally, the only other sort-of-functional person in such a dysfunctional family.  But I let her down, and let myself down. "There is no friend like a daughter, and no daughter quite like you" is on a magnet that my mom asked a friend to bring to me earlier this month.  And I guess she's wrong on that. As guilt, regret, worries, and disappointment overwhelm me and I don't want to take them anymore, I become bitter.  Why am I the one who has to suffer these guilt and regret? If my dad would just do his job and be a good husband to love and support my mom, she wouldn't be a "victim" whom I should empathize with and be kind toward; my disrespect toward her, if there's any under this hypothetical situation, would just be a normal dispute between a child and a mother, instead of me rubbing salt into her wound. Whenever I disagree with my mother, how I wish my father would say to me "Jane, listen to your mother" instead of saying to my mother "see, even your daughter thinks that you are ridiculous."  Why do I need to feel guilty when most of her pains are caused by other people... my brother, my sister, and mostly my father and his family?  It's not fair and I'm angry about it. I am angry that my mom is not simply my mom; she is also my dad's enemy in his mind.  I am angry that my dad is not simply my dad; he is also the one who inflicts pain on my mom. I am angry that nobody else seems to be giving her a helping hand so I feel like I'm the one who should do it. I am angry that my mom is weaker than I want her to be. Perhaps anger is the answer to my question.  Maybe that's why I couldn't help myself but having so many hot buttons when speaking with my mom.  But how can I get angry with my mom when she's already doing the best she can and still not given any grace and mercy?  Now I feel guilty again....

.... and I'm going in circle...

God is good!

God is good! Don't you ever forget that! :)  

Creatures I Found on my Lawn Today

First,

Second,

Yes, they are both living. It's so fun to live in the woods!

Caught In the Middle

Today is one of those days when I feel weak and overwhelmed.  Today I also had one of those moments when I looked over a list of names and felt hopeless. It is that familiar struggle that I call "caught in the middle."

What triggered it was, first of all, seeing that many of the people who started with me at Plante & Moran have now made associates.  That got me wonder what life would be like from the world's point of view had I not quit my job two years ago.  At the very minimum, I wouldn't have so much explaining to do, like the one that I had to do earlier tonight (which is another event that triggered my struggle).  I bumped into this Taiwanese woman whom I've met three years ago when she was still a student.  We got talking about our jobs, and when I told her that I had quit being a CPA to work for a Christian organization on campus, she said "..but don't you get paid much less now than you did before?" Yes, I said.  "Then why did you do it?"  My initial reaction was to secretly judge her for saying such material thing, but at the same time, that did shake my already weakened heart.  Why did I do it? I gave her an answer, but the question lingered in my heart.  I know why I did it.  That is, I can tell you the exact events, thoughts, emotions, divine intervention and Bible passages that played into this decision.  But today, I didn't know it like I knew it back then.

It's a lack of trust really. It's losing sight of the reality of the other side of heaven. I am caught in the middle.  I have seen glimpses of the other side of heaven, and that's what compelled me and guided me to where I am today, yet there are moments when this side of heaven is so real that the other side seems like a dream.

Ironically, this is also when I am super thankful for the kind of God I serve.  He is faithful and trustworthy, and even at times when I doubt, He does not doubt. He knows. Fully. Always. And nothing I do or say or question can shake Him or catch Him by surprise.

He is not caught in the middle.  He is the complete reality.

Change

Six weeks, 200+ people, intense Bible courses and training, living in the dorm, eating at a cafeteria, and homework or games every night.  How much can one person change after going through all that? I am not sure.

In a sense, I hope that I was changed by all this.  It would be kind of pathetic to spend all that time and energy without seeing any growth.  However, part of me is scared to find that out when I get back to my usual habitat.  It's scary to be the only person who seems to have changed in your usual environment.  But then, I guess we are all constantly changing as surely as time goes by.

How do you know that you've changed?  And how do you know that it's a good change?

挑戰

我記得很久以前，一個朋友提起女歌手Pink在結婚後有一陣子因為跟老公甜甜蜜蜜過得很幸福，結果竟然寫不出什麼好歌，所以她決定有時候還是得找機會跟老公吵吵架。雖然我忘記朋友為何會提起這件事情，但是我記得我聽完之後的總結是：這個故事簡單的說就是，過得太開心會阻礙創意和藝術，所以不能讓自己過得太幸福。

為什麼會在這個時後提起這件事情呢？因為我發現我真的是很久沒有更新我的部落格了，而且我真的有在更新的時候，都是稍微沒有過得很開心的時候。雖然說我的潑文大多沒什麼創意也不是什麼藝術作品，但是大多數時候想法都寫不出來也太糟糕了。其實最主要原因是因為大家都各自有各自的生活，部落格也沒有什麼人在看，然後過去這一年又很忙，所以才沒什麼在更新（怎麼說呢？真是個愛現的人）。

所以我想給自己一個挑戰（潑文的主題終於出現了！）－就是多多更新。一來可以記錄自己的生活，也不會讓想法漸漸鈍去，麻木的過著一分一秒。所以，如果你偶爾想起我的部落格，來看的時後卻又沒有更新，請用翻桌和摔碗的方式提醒我不要再麻木了！

泡泡糖

＂一個住了九年的城市 因為你變得新鮮
而整條街 都是泡泡糖的香氣
天空也泛著絢爛的艷紅＂

這是去年５月２１日，我在網誌上隨手打下未送出的文字。

快ㄧ年了耶。我想今年的街上，也還是有著泡泡糖的香氣吧！

結

生命中有些事, 真的是很無可奈何

就好像打了死結之後, 又再纏繞了好幾圈, 猙獰的連最先的死結都看不見,

只剩下一團沒有韌性, 沒有功能的線, 委屈的掙扎著

而我, 是冷眼旁觀的那個人, 還是急著幫忙解結, 卻使它越纏越緊的愚鈍的手?

近況

話說我也是很久沒有更新近況了！

回頭看看自己過去一年來的網誌，跟以前的比起來，似乎少了些碎念，少了些流水帳，但相對的文章數也少了許多。讓我不禁懷疑，難道我的生活除了碎念跟流水帳，就沒什麼好寫的嗎？當然，心中知道不是這樣的，只是有些可寫的東西被噗浪搶走了鋒頭，而有些東西則是被隱藏文章收納了起來。或許在過去的一年中，我學會了收斂一些，也學會了不是所有的東西都需要攤在外面讓別人看。

所以更新呢？
過去這半年，我真的覺得上帝很奇妙也很幽默，祂讓我不只一次的看到祂可以在短短的時間內，改變生活中的許多事情。也或許，生活中發生的事並沒有什麼不同，祂改變的是我對事情的看法以及態度。這兩個星期，認識了一個朋友，一個我第一次見面就覺得好像認識了很久的朋友。恩，那就更新到這吧！

結論：虎頭蛇尾。

First Love - 5/16/2010

O gracious God,
would you always be my first love?
When I wonder and I turn away,
would you draw me back to your side?

O tender Savior,
would you always be my first love?
When I am hurting and I am lost,
would you heal me with your gentle touch?

O marvelous Prince,
would you always be my first love?
When I rejoice and I am flying high,
would you always be the reason why?

O faithful Lord,
would you always be my first love?
When I am weary and I walk in wilderness,
would your strength daily carry me through?

閱讀蔣勳作品「祝福」中幾首令人感動的詩

青春


不需要寶石
不需要絲綢
不需要黃金
青春是一種光
比什麼都明亮
比什麼都細緻
比什麼都貴重


可以比秋日的黎明
比天上的白雲
比山嶽的礦藏
　海洋的珍寶


青春是一種光
微笑像初晴的天空
淡淡的憂愁
是花朵的哀傷
啊
不只是絢爛的夕陽
美到極限
便只是一聲輕輕的喟嘆

我在想，如果青春是以一種光作為定義，那麼是不是持續在生命中發光發熱，就能保有那比什麼都貴重的青春？


渺小的好處


渺小的好處
是沒有被忽視的痛苦
沒有怨憤
也沒有嫉妒


渺小的好處
是可以安靜聆聽別人的發言
分辨什麼是智慧與真理
什麼是浮躁淺薄的誇大之詞


渺小的好處
是沒有故作的莊嚴
和彷彿偉人的姿態
連最容易嫉恨的人
也對你不屑一顧
你便可以自在一邊
靜靜觀察
萬事萬物
都有奇異美妙之處


渺小的好處
是可以避免犯許多錯誤
例如
以斥責別人為正義
以譏笑別人為智慧
以侮辱別人為高貴
以殘害別人為勇敢
以狂妄自大為信心


渺小的好處
好像小草仰望大樹
好像溪流遙望大海
好像村落裡的燈光
瞻望天上的星辰
因為渺小
才看得到偉大

我想渺小不是自卑，不是刻意貶低自己，也不是自我要求過高，而是因為真實的了解自己，所以不用事事與別人比較；因為經過不斷的內化的省思對自己的定位有了信心，而不用向身外的人、事、物尋求自己的價值。仔細想想，偉大及渺小，各有一個「大」字和一個「小」字；而「大」和「小」都是比較之下產生的形容詞。所以如果我能夠冒昧地篡改蔣勳先生這首充滿智慧的詩的話，我想我會把渺小這詞改成謙虛。當然，不論用詞為何，我很喜歡這首詩所塑造的畫面，也期許有一天能夠成為這詩所描述的渺小謙虛的智者。

無病呻吟

最近的寫作閒滯了。其實也不是沒有東西可以寫，但是每次坐到電腦前想把一寫想法打出來，腦袋瓜就會告訴自己：有時間打網誌還不如趕快把每個月的代禱信寫出來！就像現在，我也是抱著代禱信還沒寫完的歉疚感在打這篇的。編寫文章裡也很多寫到一半卻未發表的文章，也遲遲無法完成；老實說，我還挺想念以前在無名上隨隨便便就來個一兩篇的情況。大概是過去會計師的生活比較無趣，只好把時間放在網誌上抒發想法。

今天在噗浪上寫了個無力且看似憂鬱的噗。怡如問我要不要聊聊，我心想，聊什麼呢？其實我也不知道我到底在盧什麼。我的工作很棒，有趣多變又有意義，是我引以為傲的職業。我有讓我依靠關心我的朋友和輔導，幾乎每天上床睡覺前，我都能夠回想那天時心裡覺得真的很感謝神所給我的，特別是在我生命中的每個人。這些都讓我真切的覺得，我在這個時刻，待在這個地點，不是偶然，也不會勉強，更沒有一個現在讓我更想去的地方，更想做的事情。所以我不懂，為什麼在早上醒來時，我會覺得無力，孤單，會開始懷念過去的人，過去的夢想，過去的無憂無慮無話不說。又或許，我懷念的，是一種時光，一份單純，一抹天真吧！如果是這樣的話，那這當中，是什麼變了呢？是的，他變了，我們的關係變了，身邊的朋友的身分變了；或許這樣的變化就足以改變那份純真吧。而就算這一切都改變了，我在無力什麼呢？無病呻吟或許是最簡單的解釋。昨天朋友甲跟我聊起朋友乙因為分手而難過，但是甲不懂，為什麼乙身邊有這麼多關心她的朋友，她卻還要選擇停留在傷痛中讓自己過得那麼不好呢。我無法對甲解釋，但是我懂乙。的確，不走出來或許是一種選擇，但卻是幾乎超越意識抉擇的一種選擇。好像有點抽象，也有點繼續在無病呻吟中打轉的嫌疑。總之，我最近有一種我的意志跟我的情緒還有我的心三個人在打架糾結纏鬥的感覺；在感情的事上也好，在時間管理上也好，在早上起床的事上也是這樣。

結論呢？幹嘛活得那麼累。

Paper Heart (2009)

What is LOVE?  The big letter, all-cap L-O-V-E, LOVE.   I thought about the conversation that was had wth my aunt just the day before.  Aunt believes in soul mates.  She said that you can feel it when you meet your soul mate.  You just know.  You’ll feel that you know this person for a very long time even when you are meeting him just for the first time.  “If such a legend really exists, I can shamelessly assume the leading role in such a story [我當之無愧]” was her husband’s response in hearing this.  And I’ve never seen my aunt looking any shinier when he said that.  Yes, there were problems and hurt in their marriage, and I don’t know if I believe in my aunt’s soul mate theory yet, but I’ve always held strongly that love wouldn’t be so precious if there’s no challenge and struggle in loving.

The big opening question in my first paragraph is what this movie is all about.  Charlyne is a comedian and a musician who doesn’t know what love is or if love really exists.  Furthermore, she doesn’t think that she’s capable of love even if such a thing really exists.   Thus, she started a documentory movie project to find out all about love by interviewing different people on their definitions of love and how they know they’ve found theirs.  In her journey she met Michael, who took interest in Charlyne and started pursuing her.  Naturally, their relationship became the heart of this filming project.  And I’d be a spoiler if I tell you the rest of the storyline, so I’m gonna just leave it at that.

The point is, it gets me thinking, am I capable of love, especially in a romantic relationship?  I once thought that I loved someone with all of my heart and thought that he loved me back – in fact, I still believe that I did love him with all of my heart – but how could love end so ugly and hurtful to both of us?  How could I say I loved him yet still hurt him with the things I did?  And how could he say he loved me when there was no room for forgiveness?  How can I trust the next person I meet?  How can I trust myself again?  How can I trust love?  What about what goes on in my brain versus what goes on in my heart? What about feelings?  And why in the world am I pulling my hair out thinking about these questions when there’re people all around me who don’t bother themselves with such questions and are still happily loving each other?  Why is it so important anyway, this love?  I mean, I am not trying to be cynical or anything.  I love love.  It’s very important and God commends us to love, but why is it that love between two people in a romantic relationship seems so much more important in our value than any other kind of love?  Or is it just me?  

Well, let that be the end of my mumbling.  I’d love to hear some thoughts though.  It’s a very good movie, quirky, original, inspirig yet not heavy at all.  Go watch it.  I think you’ll fall in love with it.

-Jane

Grab Life by the Mane

Remember how I fell in love with the Chronicles of Narnia about a year ago and then got two copies of the book(s) as my 26th birthday gifts? I came across this quote just when I was about to finish reading all of the Narnia books and was so in love (still am!) with the characters in the books, especially Aslan.

Quit living as if the purpose of life is to arrive safely at death. 
Grab life by the mane. 
Set God-sized goals. 
Pursue God-ordained passions. 
Go after a dream that is destined to fail without divine intervention. 
Keep asking questions. 
Keep making mistakes. 
Keep seeking God. 
Stop pointing out problems and become part of the solution. 
Stop repeating the past and start creating the future. 
Stop playing it safe and start taking risks. 
Expand your horizons. 
Accumulate experiences. 
Consider the lilies. 
Enjoy the journey. 
Find every excuse you can to celebrate everything you can. 
Live like today is the first day and last day of your life. 
Don't let what's wrong with you keep you from worshiping what's right with God. 
Burn sinful bridges. 
Blaze a new trail. 
Criticize by creating. 
Worry less about what people think and more about what God thinks. 
Don't try to be who you're not. 
Be yourself. 
Laugh at yourself.
Quit holding out. 
Quit holding back. 
Quit running away. 
Chase the lion. 

- Mark Batterson

I'm not sure who Mark Batterson is, but I like the picture he's painting in that quote. Of course, I don't mean it to be some sort of self-help quote that tells us that we need to do this and do that, and then we'll be happy. It certainly can be motivating and encouraging, but what I like about the picture is that it's telling us we are free and safe to do anything with God in the center of our life and as a source of our power! Of course, I also like it because it talks about the lion and its mane. :)

給S

這一刻突然覺得好熟悉　像昨天今天同時在放映

我這句語氣原來好想你　不就是我們愛過的證據

差一點騙了自己騙了你　愛與被愛不一定成正比

我知道被疼是一種運氣　但我無法完全交出自己

努力為你改變　卻變不了　預留的伏線

以為在你身邊　那也算永遠

彷彿還是昨天　可是昨天　已非常遙遠

但閉上我雙眼　我還看得見

可惜不是你　陪我到最後　曾一起走卻走失那路口

感謝那是你　牽過我的手　還能感受那溫柔

那一段我們曾心貼著心　我想我更有權力關心你

可能你已走進別人風景　多希望也有星光的投影

感謝那是你　牽過我的手　還能溫暖我胸口

今天妳跟我提到這首歌，這首所有曾經失去過所珍惜戀情的人的國歌。我記得妳曾經在只有我們兩個的錢櫃包廂裡陪我痛哭的唱完這首歌，然後再點首五佰的你是我的花朵，逼我站起來跟著妳一起狂跳（笑）。我也曾經變態到，把這首歌設成前男友的來電鈴聲，真是個被虐狂啊。

好幾個月沒聽這首歌了，今天因為妳的提起，我又去把它找來聽；才發現，原來，我曾經覺得不可能結痂的心，似乎已經漸漸的平復了。我的心不再為了那句「曾一起走卻走失那路口」而絞痛翻滾，反而因著那句「感謝那是你，牽過我的手」而暖了心頭。然後我發現，我最近似乎不哭泣了，甚至比分手前還要不常見到淚水。於是我鼓起勇氣去看前男友的FB Profile，果然讓我看到了令我會心一笑的照片。一張他對著鏡頭擺出招牌笑容，很有他個人風格的搞笑照片。雖然照片下有現任女友的留言，但我很開心，看到了熟悉的笑容，也看到了他們之間溫暖的互動。或許，在一年多後的今天，我終於能夠真心誠意的為他的幸福而快樂。曾經我認為，我被丟下了，只能望著他遠遠的走了，也認為我的幸福就這樣的錯過了，我的心破碎到不可能修補，也不可能再愛其它的人了。可是生命的復原力是很驚人的，或者說，上帝的醫治是超乎我所想的。

或許一兩年後，我也會像妳一樣，又因為一首歌，一句話，或是一陣氣味而想起了他；但是我想，到那時候，我會仔細的數算他對我的好，我對他的好，還有我們分開後，我生命中所有的喜怒哀樂。我們的分手，造就了現在的我；而我，很喜歡現在的我。所以，除了感激，我還能用什麼更好的方法來紀念這段感情呢？