The Lord is At Hand

Journal 10

Philippians 4:4-6

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone.  The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:5-6 is many people's favorite verses in the Bible, and I really like it as well, for the comfort and encouragement it brings.  However, my ESV Bible gave me another insight when I was reading it this time around, that the part in verse 4b "The Lord is at hand" is actually connected to verses 5-6.  When you look at vv 5-6 by themselves, it almost sounds like a conditional promise, like "do this, and then God will ___."  Often time my response is to put the pressure on myself to not be anxious, and if I do, I feel bad that I don't trust God.  However, it's liberating to notice verse 4b and be reminded that the reason we can not be anxious and give thanks to God is because the Lord is at hand.  There is a reason for us not to be anxious and we need to remember why we don't have to be anxious about anything.  Instead of telling myself not to be anxious, now I just need to remember and trust that God is really at hand and with me, and therefore, by praying to him and thanking him, I will naturally stop worrying as a result of my trust in him.  It's still going to be tough to live out these verses every day in every situation, but at least now the focal point is on trusting the Lord rather than on trusting myself to "stop it!"

He Who Calls You Is Faithful

Journal 6

1 Thessalonians 4:7-8

For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness.  Therefore whoever disregards this, disregards not man but God, who gives his Holy Spirit to you."

As someone who doesn't deal well with authority and tends to challenge authority, these verses really convicted me to think who really is at a position of authority in my life.  It's easy for me to look at a person who's in a position of authority (my supervisor, my pastor, etc.) and think that he or she is just another person, and part of being an adult is to be an independent thinker and not let what they say be "the Bible."  As much as there's truth in that kind of thinking, there is also very deceiving, because when I respond that way, what I am really thinking (but not saying or even realizing) is often time something like, "who are you to tell me what to do?" or "are you saying that I am wrong???"  The attitude behind is often time prideful, rather than really trying to be a responsible, independent adult.  Interestingly, these verses from Paul don't even give us an option to deceive ourselves by saying that we are just trying to be responsible and independent by disregarding the Bible's teachings about the Christian life.  God didn't call me and die on the cross for me so I can indulge in all my sinful desires and lustful thinking without suffering the consequences of them.  God called me because He desires for me to live a life of holiness, for that's what's beautiful in God's eyes.  And if God desires something to happen, we should have faith that He will and is able to bring that to happen if we let Him.  It's not me who sanctify myself and try to make myself holy.  In 1 Thessalonians 5:23-24 (below), God is the subject, and we are the object of all of His actions.


1 Thessalonians 5:23-24

Now may the God of peace himself sanctify you completely, and may your whole spirit and soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. He who calls you is faithful; he will surely do it.

As I read these words, I feel like God is gently nudging me on my arm, saying, "Remember that I called you from impurity into holiness. My work is not in vain, and I will not let you go back there..."

Thank you, my dear Jesus.

You may not want to read this...

I have issues. Yes, we all do, but right now, I really do have issues.

There's a mixture of things I'm feeling right now.  Guilt, regret, worries, disappointment, bitterness, and anger.  And maybe other things, but I can't put my fingers on them.

First I feel guilty. Guilty for how I have treated my mother in the last week. For some reason I got irritated very easily when my mother was trying to carry a conversation with me.  I could hear myself as I spoke, and I thought, "why in the world are you talking like this to your mother, Jane?" yet I couldn't stop myself.  I regret having treated my mother with such bad attitudes, and I worry that I have hurt her and disappointed her.  In fact, I disappoint myself.  I am supposed to be the daughter who gets her, who understands her pain and sufferings, and who can be her ally, the only other sort-of-functional person in such a dysfunctional family.  But I let her down, and let myself down. "There is no friend like a daughter, and no daughter quite like you" is on a magnet that my mom asked a friend to bring to me earlier this month.  And I guess she's wrong on that. As guilt, regret, worries, and disappointment overwhelm me and I don't want to take them anymore, I become bitter.  Why am I the one who has to suffer these guilt and regret? If my dad would just do his job and be a good husband to love and support my mom, she wouldn't be a "victim" whom I should empathize with and be kind toward; my disrespect toward her, if there's any under this hypothetical situation, would just be a normal dispute between a child and a mother, instead of me rubbing salt into her wound. Whenever I disagree with my mother, how I wish my father would say to me "Jane, listen to your mother" instead of saying to my mother "see, even your daughter thinks that you are ridiculous."  Why do I need to feel guilty when most of her pains are caused by other people... my brother, my sister, and mostly my father and his family?  It's not fair and I'm angry about it. I am angry that my mom is not simply my mom; she is also my dad's enemy in his mind.  I am angry that my dad is not simply my dad; he is also the one who inflicts pain on my mom. I am angry that nobody else seems to be giving her a helping hand so I feel like I'm the one who should do it. I am angry that my mom is weaker than I want her to be. Perhaps anger is the answer to my question.  Maybe that's why I couldn't help myself but having so many hot buttons when speaking with my mom.  But how can I get angry with my mom when she's already doing the best she can and still not given any grace and mercy?  Now I feel guilty again....

.... and I'm going in circle...

God is good!

God is good! Don't you ever forget that! :)  

Creatures I Found on my Lawn Today

First,

Second,

Yes, they are both living. It's so fun to live in the woods!

Caught In the Middle

Today is one of those days when I feel weak and overwhelmed.  Today I also had one of those moments when I looked over a list of names and felt hopeless. It is that familiar struggle that I call "caught in the middle."

What triggered it was, first of all, seeing that many of the people who started with me at Plante & Moran have now made associates.  That got me wonder what life would be like from the world's point of view had I not quit my job two years ago.  At the very minimum, I wouldn't have so much explaining to do, like the one that I had to do earlier tonight (which is another event that triggered my struggle).  I bumped into this Taiwanese woman whom I've met three years ago when she was still a student.  We got talking about our jobs, and when I told her that I had quit being a CPA to work for a Christian organization on campus, she said "..but don't you get paid much less now than you did before?" Yes, I said.  "Then why did you do it?"  My initial reaction was to secretly judge her for saying such material thing, but at the same time, that did shake my already weakened heart.  Why did I do it? I gave her an answer, but the question lingered in my heart.  I know why I did it.  That is, I can tell you the exact events, thoughts, emotions, divine intervention and Bible passages that played into this decision.  But today, I didn't know it like I knew it back then.

It's a lack of trust really. It's losing sight of the reality of the other side of heaven. I am caught in the middle.  I have seen glimpses of the other side of heaven, and that's what compelled me and guided me to where I am today, yet there are moments when this side of heaven is so real that the other side seems like a dream.

Ironically, this is also when I am super thankful for the kind of God I serve.  He is faithful and trustworthy, and even at times when I doubt, He does not doubt. He knows. Fully. Always. And nothing I do or say or question can shake Him or catch Him by surprise.

He is not caught in the middle.  He is the complete reality.

Change

Six weeks, 200+ people, intense Bible courses and training, living in the dorm, eating at a cafeteria, and homework or games every night.  How much can one person change after going through all that? I am not sure.

In a sense, I hope that I was changed by all this.  It would be kind of pathetic to spend all that time and energy without seeing any growth.  However, part of me is scared to find that out when I get back to my usual habitat.  It's scary to be the only person who seems to have changed in your usual environment.  But then, I guess we are all constantly changing as surely as time goes by.

How do you know that you've changed?  And how do you know that it's a good change?